When I found out I was pregnant everyone had something to say about what to expect/what to enjoy or what was going to happen. Being a first time parent is scary enough and then BAM, everyone throws 200 different things at you to make you crap yourself even more! However my personal top 10 things that will change that you will have never thought were going to happen are:-
1. You will never have an empty washing basket. You can spend an entire day cleaning those bloody clothes, then you go back to the wash basket and more clothes are in there! I swear we’ve had two kids, not one! Same goes for plates/cups.
2. Ive got fat. Yes I lost all my ‘baby weight’ in the first two months, that was mainly due to staring at my newborn baby 12-18 hours a day and not eating for fear of them stopping breathing whilst I’m distracted. Then the reality kicked in that the only 5 minutes of enjoyment I get is from a burger/glass of wine or takeaway come 8pm, realising I haven’t actually eaten all day, so I eat my body weight in crap food to make up for it. Don’t judge me, it was bloody worth it! It’s my treat to myself now the baby needs constant entertaining during the day.
3. You’ll want to go back to work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby to bits but I seem to work twice as hard now at home on half my wage. (Gotta love maternity pay!)
To be around adults having adults conversations, rather that watching Peppa Pig/Rah Rah the lion or Postman Pat and watching it even when the baby is asleep to find out what happens, wtf is wrong with me?!
4. You’ll never be so tired! You function between a walking zombie due to no sleep or a shaking mess due to the amount of caffeine you drink or have on a drip. Three hours straight sleep and you feel like a kid at Christmas!
5. You’ll appreciate a warm meal sooo much more. I lived of toast/cereal for the first two months, the quickest meals are the best. Gone are the days you get to enjoy a proper meal. Now I definitely know why mummy’s meal was always cold in Goldilocks let me tell you. You’ll dream about steak, chips and all the trimmings.
6. Sex? What’s that!? Forget couple time. If the baby is asleep my other half can jog on, I’m sleeping 😴. See you again when he’s in school 🙋🏼.
7. My Facebook is full of pictures of my baby, don’t like it, click the remove button! I spent nine months carrying him, he is amazing, ‘omg he held his head up’, ‘he’s had a bath’ ‘he’s now three months old!’ I don’t care if you are bored of my pictures, I love them and will keep sharing them! (Even when he turns 21 and asks me to stop 😂)
8. You are going to be rubbish at replying. Yes I’m on Facebook/Snapchat and you texted/phoned me this morning and got no reply. What you don’t know is that when you did I spent an hour getting my child to sleep, some tit knocked on the door, waking him up so I had to start all over again.
Or there was the occasion when the projectile poop ended up all over the wall/floor and I couldn’t exactly leave it to answer the phone. Plus after 9pm you have no chance, try me at 5.49am, I’m wide awake then.
9. You will make excuses. Yes we planned a night out/coffee two weeks ago but now the day is here and I’ve been up all night with a crying baby. So sorry if I cancel but I wanna curl up on my sofa, watching This Morning, in my comfy leggings and greasy hair that I can’t be bothered to wash. Don’t give up on me though, today was just a bad day.
10. When you do get a night out, just hope your friends don’t disown you! You will look like a manic that has been just let out for the night! You’ll dance like a crazy person and be drunk after three drinks. You will talk about my child constantly, even after promising yourself you wouldn’t. No doubt you’ll embarrass yourself at some point in your drunken state. You will declare ‘Shots!’ at least twice and regret it the next day. However it will be the BEST NIGHT OUT EVER!